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I just need to write stuff somewhere, so I'm abusing this journal or something.
I know I tend to have a bad temper. especially if someone I care about annoys me. it could be anything really - I'm such a big baby, gets upset by anything.

and sometimes it's hard for me to keep it inside. I know, if I get angry and yell at people, I just make things worse. mostly because after a while I can't deal with it and apologize just to finish the whole thing. until next time.
I'm really tired of it though. it's that awkward feeling after a fight that I hate the most, because I can't seem to get over it. it still stings.

And I'm afraid. Because every other time I had fights with someone like that, they got tired of it and left. it happened every time. just the fear from it happening again is enough to make me shut up and keep everything inside - for a while.

fuck, I don't even know. I just want a hug or something. I hate feeling lonely.

to be honest?....

I'm kind of disappointed.
Can't blame them for kicking me out tho.

Two things I learned today.

1. Relying on others is not an option.
2. I will never let what happened to me today happen again, ever. hopefully.

con was nice

Wasn't really bad, but not that good either.
most of the time I felt left out, but I think I should be getting used to it by now.
I'm just not really a crowd person, and it sucks when most of my friends are.
I'm not sure how I feel right now, except that I'm cold. and boredom's killing me.

so I have a question.
how do you define a best friend?

What the hell.

This is how you view it? just a trick I keep doing to get your attention? Didn't I always say I fucking mean whatever comes out of my mouth? then why? why did you have to say it?
Why do you keep making me be mad at you...

hey, um....

I'm sorry, flist, for spamming you like mad. I haven't really been myself in the past few months, I guess.
Thing is I have sort of a crush for a friend of mine. a big, big crush. And not only she's not into girls, another friend I know likes her a lot too.
I don't want to cause mess so I probably won't ever say it to her. But It's so hard to forget about it, and not to get jealous even if it's stupid. I don't want to lose touch with her because of that, so I have to stay quiet about it, since I can't think of anything better.

so I'll just try being more cheerful for a change.

.... I think I'm getting addicted into online shopping. I'm completely helpless, I just need the little orange letters that say "free shipping" to convince myself it's okay.
Well at lease it's not like I'm buying complete garbage..... I think.


I feel like taking a hammer and nail. and jam it right into my head.

Just what is up with my mood lately....

It's like I don't feel like cheering up. what the hell.
I'm kind of a hypocrite, when I think of it.
I said "don't you just log in whenever you have the time, you should enjoy your trip, so don't. I'll be fine, so don't you try to check up on me."
But I'm missing already.
I know it's just for three days. (more like two days from now) but I feel lonely just for a very few hours. I can't even explain it, maybe it's just stupid.
I can't wait for her to come back.

Why are about half of my guy "friends" are just dorks. UGH UGH UGH. and extremely annoying dorks at that. They make me feel I'm not girly enough when they go all hurt on me.
A tip. If you see your starting to annoy someone with all of your senseless, bullshit talk about "you're so cold" "why aren't you nice to me" "tell me if I did something", don't just keep going like dumb shit!
Sure, I don't mind, be angry with me. In fact, I couldn't care less. You can't ever keep your back bone at a time like this anyway.So it's only a matter of time
I'm tired.
I'm tired of trying. trying to make people love me, and It never works. being jealous.
Till there's this one person I want to be with all the time, her attention is focused on others.
I wish I could be a person that only needs to love, and not the love of other people to be. but I'm just not that kind of person.

barely 24 hours since I gave up love and I can't keep going already.
and I can't say anything too. I'll end up as a drama queen. a crybaby. an idiot.
I'm just so tired.